Yesterday I spent four hundred bucks I don't have registering for another sketch comedy writing class at Upright Citizens Brigade. I justified this expense by telling myself I need an outlet for my weirdness so I don't spend all day fantasizing that my coworkers are secretly vampires. They're starting to get suspicious.
I tried to make a list of ways to make some extra cash, and this what I came up with:
- Open an etsy store for my handmade dolls, recycled from discarded cigarette butts and wine corks.
- Start a gambling ring for my bar bocce league. It's probably pretty easy to break hipsters' kneecaps, plus I wouldn't mind getting paid in Hoegaarden.
- Befriend an elderly eccentric and let nature do the rest.
- Launch my sure-to-go-viral website, nicholascageonfire.com. It's 100% pictures of Nicholas Cage on fire! I'll probably still talk to you when I'm famous.
- Go on a game show where all the answers are either about Anne of Green Gables or the lyrics to Coolio's "Gangster's Paradise," my only two areas of expertise. Might need to bone Howie Mandel first.
- Sell my Howie Mandel sex scandal story to the tabloids. Look for my salacious tell-all, Mandel Handling, in bookstores next fall.
I am beginning to regret learning everything I know about financial planning from Zach's scheming on Saved by the Bell.
Wait never mind, I don't regret that at all.
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