I'm at the office and my lower eyelid is twitching really violently. I'm used to getting deadline-induced stress twitchiness but this feels like spastic, dramatic, Christina-Ricci-in-Black-Snake-Moan kind of convulsions. Of the eyeball. I think I'm having a stroke.

"I think I'm having a stroke," I instant messaged my coworker.

"You're probably just stressed," she responded.

"Yeah, stressed about my stroke."

"Don't be ridiculous, you're not having a stroke."

"That is the only explanation. Or else my eyeball is rebelling against staring at an Excel spreadsheet for the last 7 hours and is trying to leap out of its socket."


"You might say it's suiceyede."


"Get it??? SuicEYEde."

"Yeah I think it's actually the stroke thing."

People are going to be so sorry they ever mocked me when my eye falls out. Mostly because I'm going to do awesome jokes, like hiding my glass eye in bowls of grapes and then offering them grapes and then laughing maniacally when they try to eat my eye.


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