brooklynguist

Now you probably already know that I am a major player in New York’s underground celebrity scene. It’s all parties and paparazzi and mountains of fine Central American cocaine, 24/7. People are always asking me, “MaroidRage, can you teach me how to live the starf*cker lifestyle?” The answer is, probably not. You people are pretty hopeless. But I’m feeling generous today, so pencils out kids: I’m gonna drop some knowledge on this blogizzle.

• First step: use words like “blogizzle” if you want celebrities to think you’re cool. Some people say that the -izzle language had its heyday, but those people are fucking liars.
• Stay current. Just the other day I was all up on on twitter (current!) tweetin about Ray Liotta’s turn in Goodfellas (not current!). Next thing I know I’m @messaged by his agent, assuring me that he still gets work, and linking me to his imdb profile. When you’ve got your agent contacting fans directly and asking you to go see your movies…well that is a sign of genuine star power and in no way an act of desperation. Plus, he was on an episode of Spongebob Squarepants in 2008, so he’s got that going for him.
• Hit the hot spots. Now people will tell you that the Beatrice Inn or the Waverly Whatever are the places to see and be seen. Sure, if you like celebrities everybody knows about, like Lindsay Lohan and those assclowns from Gossip Girl. But real starf*ckers know that the more obscure a celebrity is, the more genuine indie cred it gives you. I like to hit the places with really cheap drink specials, because they attract just this kind of celebrity. For example last night, after umpteen $2 margaritas at Hop Devil Grill, I ran into the gentleman who plays Mike on TBS’s My Boys outside. He seemed really happy to be recognized, and even did his Matthew McConaughey impression that he does on the show. Which is way cooler than meeting the actual Matthew McConaughey. (And about this I am actually completely genuine - guy was cool, and real McConaughey scares me.) Another celeb hangout, known for its refinement and ambience, is Brother Jimmy’s. This hidden gem of a bar is where I met a couple of very gracious and fun actors, one of whom starred on the shortlived Fox series Reunion, which came on after the OC. In case you are the other person who watched this show, here’s some insider dirt straight from the source - her daughter was the killer. Which I know because I’m a total SCENESTER who hangs out at Brother Jimmy’s.
• Date the right people. I once dated an actor whose biggest credit was role in Damon Wayan’s tour de force “Major Payne.” And after that, someone who had once dated that chick from Cheetah Girls (which is not, as I thought at the time, Puff Daddy’s band. I think it has something to do with Raven Symone). A-listers both.
• Keep your cool. There is nothing that kills a celebrity’s buzz like a fan who starts squawkin and flappin and gushin all over their biiizness. Which is why I maintain my composure. Like when I saw Missy Elliot getting into her Ferrari on 3rd Ave a few weeks ago, the appropriate response was to ask the cabbie to pull over and honk as I drunkenly yelled things at her. When she sort of snarled at me and turned back to her car, what she really meant was, You’re cool, and I respect you, and let’s hang out some time.